Where do I begin with the overwhelming emotions I have gone through and still continue to go through. When does it end? The only moment in my life that I can equate the emotions to is the death of my mother 9 years ago. The cold , lost , confused feelings. And of course the overwhelming feeling of sadness. After all , a divorce is a loss. I wasnt able to sleep in silence. I had to sleep with the TV on for weeks. I would wake up throughout the night feeling scared and very alone. I was suddenly in a box with no way out, or at least it seemed that way. Trying to reach out to anyone that would offer their hand. And even though a divorce is not uncommon, I felt as if I was the only one. Nothing was the same anymore. I would go outside and look around and nothing looked , smelt or felt the same anymore. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to pay attention to any detail of my life. Even my kids. For the first few weeks, all I could think about was what I was going through. My 10year old son and my 18 year old daughter didn't know what to do. My STBX and I jumped the gun on telling them what was happening before we could consult a therapist or any self help books on the matter. Throwing them into a shock wave of emotions as well.  It was extreme chaos in my house. I would sit on my deck or in my office at home and just cry so hard for hours. I used up all of my cell phone minutes and them some and then some more ,racking up a big cell phone bill. Calling anyone and everyone that would listen. Once again, leaving my kids in the living room. My son probably not quite understanding what is happening and my daughter know exactly what is happening. She is wanting out of the house, falling under all of the chaos of my emotions but hers as well. I allowed her to spend more time with her boyfriend than I would have normally.

     There is a difference between the emotions I felt with my mothers death and my divorce/separation. Because my mother had already suffered a stroke and was suffering other associated ailments , her death was not totally unexpected. Untimely, yes. Unexpected, no. Although she could have done something about her health to possibly avoid a second or third stroke. She did not fully get to that point.  I did have a hard time dealing with her death, I was very close to her. With the support of family and friends and the spirit of my mothers soul I was back to work within 3 weeks. I do miss her everyday. My divorce on the otherhand, was unexpected. No warning that I knew of at the time,( that is a future blog). And here I am almost 6months into my separation and still riding a daily roller coaster of emotions.

        I never ever ever want to be where I was during the first few months of my separtion.