This will be the first set of holidays and a birthday that will be spent with just the kids and myself. Thanksgiving was the holiday my son spent with his father. So, I had Thanksgiving dinner at Cracker Barrel with my oldest brother.  I really enjoyed it. Every Thanksgiving for 11years I have spent it with my STBX's family. I do like his family and I will miss them very much, but it was nice not to eat the same foods and see the same people. It was nice just having dinner with my brother. My birthday felt akward but not as hard as I thought it would be. I had a great birthday weekend. One evening with my family , another with my girlfriends and on my actual birthday I had dinner with my 2 kids. My STBX did pay for that dinner. Although I wonder if he did so out of guilt? After all, I did over indulge him on his birthday 3 months prior with hopes of fixing our marriage.  Either way, I did thank him for that. Now it is Christmas. And yes, this one is hard. There is something about Christmas that I always associate with family and cheer. Even months before Christmas, when the stores were just setting up for the holiday, I would feel overwhelmed with emotions of Christmas "past". Knowing that the "present" feels gloomy and the "future" is unknown. While shopping I would pass all of the items I once pondered if they would make a good present for my STBX. Do I get him a present or not? I know, I would get him a present which would be from our son.  I am a mixed bag of emotions thinking about this holiday.  I did manage to send  "Happy Holiday" cards out to his family members and a few even sent me theirs with ,"Keeping you in our prayers"  written inside. I did not send out cards to "our" friends. Which ended up being his friends. And neither did they. Another moment with facing the realities of this divorce. My son will be spending Christmas Eve with his father. He will return that same evening. Christmas Eve over my mother-n-laws house is a tradition that I will miss. The greatest moment is one that I get to enjoy this year. My kids waking me up Christmas morning , excited to open up their presents that I have layed out the night before. Their expressions on their faces as they overwhelm me with gratitude because they got what they wanted. Even though, at times, I want to fast forward this holiday straight into next year. I try not to wish any part of my life away. I am determined to have a good holiday season because my kids make it all better.